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Eleventeen - 10 Songs with Ithyle Singing

by ithyle

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1.
When you graze my lips with my mouth so full of questions rest your palms on my cheeks, shut my lids and whisper, "Sleep for weeks, Angel. Sleep." Kneel over me weeping as I lay here for days. Catatonic. Dreamless. Please ignore, on my floor, all this blood 'cause I'm not bleeding. It's just my sleeve. Be relieved that this heart's no longer sewn onto my wrist. And this photo of you cursing me is folded in my jeans. Along with the letters that you took to be a glimpse of insight to how I'd be on my own. I'm finally on my own. Put me down. Put me out. Take away the daily sickness. Maladies impart me this mortal coil that we're still bound to. 18 days on these floors with this carpet as my blanket and the roar of the heater imparting lull-a-byes for beauty sleep. And this photo of you cursing me is folded in my jeans. Along with the letters that you took to be a glimpse of insight to how I'd be on my own. I'm finally on my own. Sleep for weeks. These wounds need no dressing. Wintersweet, your bandages are blessings in disguise. Wash them clean and bind my eyes. And this photo of you cursing me is folded in my jeans. Along with the letters that you took to be a glimpse of insight to how I'd be on my own. I'm finally on my own. And this photo of you cursing me is folded in my jeans. Along with the letters that you took to be a glimpse of insight to how I'd be on my own. I'm finally on my own.
2.
Can you touch my skin lighter? 'Cause Baby, I think I'm still leaving. Can we tie this thing tighter? 'Cause girl, I think I'm still breathing. And the music plays despite it all. So sad to see a broken man's faith fail. Can you make this heart colder? 'Cause Baby, I think It's still beating. Please don't ever stop holding, 'cause Girl, I think I'm still freezing. And the music plays despite it all. So sad to see a broken man's faith fail. I can give it at my volition fully, like my heart. And while you fall I'll let you whisper my name. I'm finding ways to meet my days. I'm finding reasons. These nights will grow. These nights will grow. These nights will grow dark and these rooms will grow cold, these loves that we've lost will spurn loves made of gold. These hours alone in these rooms that we earned warming (with our) hands in the fires of the loves that we've burned.
3.
if i kept you up all night would you tell me what is right? if i dragged you to the beach, could you stand to look at me? just let me leave when i leave so you can't see the way i look at you. if i screamed your name or i burned down your house, would it make you pleased if i choked on blood? if i hurt you all night long, would you tell me what went wrong? if i lit up all your notes would you still despise me most? if i kept you up too late would you tell me what you hate? if i told you from this stage that i would act my age, would you let me go when i go so you won't see the way i looked to you. if i screamed your name or i burned down your house, would it make you pleased if i choked on blood? if i hurt you all night long, would you tell me what went wrong? if i lit up all your notes would you still despise me most? here's to waking up to shame. don't you see me leaving? is this what it's like to be dead? balancing on the wire between birth and the ending. this i understand. so i press pen to paper. this is my letter. this is a crime scene.
4.
Shine on. We spill our blood out on the stage. With sheafs of words winds blow away. I'm writing: "Forsake this world another way." A million times. In different ways. Light my days. Shoulder me and stand me proud. Find a way to need me now and be, as they say, mine. Write my name on stationary bound for flames 'cause forever is a word I'll have to learn. Breathe deep. Suddenly you're on your own with restless hands for vacant phones. Nights away. Phonebooth romance and shattered hopes, ink-less pens and frozen roads. Light my days. Shoulder me and stand me proud. Find a way to need me now and be, as they say, mine. Write my name on stationary bound for flames 'cause forever is a word I'll have to learn. This is the one, the song, the words to get me through these homesick filled days. Streetlamps to light our nights and block the stars out 'cause they're just reminding me that we are not far with cars and phones and freeways, we breathe the same air. With my name in flames this same shit is just grade-school. And I'll try to light my days... Write my name on stationary bound for flames 'cause forever is a word I'll have to learn.
5.
She says, "Today, I am truly dying but I stand complete in spite if it. These rooms make me who I am. They define my days and my dreams when I awake." There's ghosts in these rooms and my heroes hold my hands. There's designs in our thoughts & secrets in our hearts. There's ghosts in these rooms and my heroes hold my hands. There's designs in our thoughts & secrets in our hearts. And here we improvise the minutes to explicate our meanings, to sanctify our dreams. These are memoirs of these days. Yes, there is something beautiful and tragic about letting go. I am ready, I'll kneel at your feet. I will lift my hands, splay my open arms and offer you my throat Here is my breast, I'm waiting... "We were soldiers and some of us still are. A symbolic prologue to the years of attrition yet to come. These are memoirs of these days. Yes, there is something beautiful and tragic about letting go. Here we improvise to choke down the minutes and if we hadn't persevered then what might we be left with? There we hold fast to explicate our meanings, to sanctify our dreams."
6.
It's not enough just letting go. Another night, another show, abandoning these cares. I can't see you through the lights from the stage. I close my eyes, imagining you there. Miles between two souls seems like years. Making blinded eyes and deafened ears. Where's the Angel? Where is my Angel? Seven hours on an asphalt hell to Orange County for a sweet farewell. I keep the hope alive. I long for nights of knotted sheets, broken hearts and breakdown beats. Lift this chin. I still thank God I have a place where I can be dismayed at how easily the words come. There's something else that's in her eyes, something that will haunt me to the end of my days.
7.
For the first time this heart ceases it's attempt to escape my chest. And I've been down this stretch before, eyes up over the wheel with my insides going crazy. So this is what it feels like to have something to destroy besides me. I hope you don't resent me for bringing you into me. For bringing you into this. For making you an us. Bleary-eyed at two-AM you poured it out on paper. You half-drunk and me half-hurt, you spit out what I needed. So this is what it feels like to have something to destroy besides me. And then you glance at me with eyes a shade of hope. Tell me with your lips but don't utter a word... ...crying my name. Still crying my name. Keep me up all night, my eyes can't stay open forever.
8.
Bring me kerosene. Light the stage and burn me clean. Stand me out to play. Hit the spots and look away. These blues will stare through you, tear you up and slice you through. Songs sung in empty halls echo out my tragic flaws. You are not breathing when you scream. Exhale, when you exhale you are just discarding my hope again. Again. Break this blood machine. Flay these veins and soak my jeans. Kneel me down to pray beneath applause out on the stage. Take my anxious start on a page to tear apart. Blind my azure eyes once more before I say goodbye. You are not breathing when you scream. Exhale, when you exhale you are just discarding my hope again. Again. Today i woke up with my heart hammering in my throat and repeating lines coursing through my semi-conscious head like loops of crimson twine. You are not breathing when you scream. Exhale, when you exhale you are just discarding my hope again. Again.
9.
And last night the sun dipped way below my skyline, beyond my ocean view, to drape another in golden swaths, but for all my hoping has returned again to blind these blues; and it retains no lust or faculty or any sort of fault from course; but do not be afraid of my faith in harmony. And how weak is my influence? Hold on to these words I just can’t take back. And I’m not leaving you tonight ‘cause I’ve grown tired of your face or in promise of the daydream of a finer love. But I’m compelled to flight based on fear and shame; in mockery of everything I’d hoped to be. And how weak is my influence? Hold on to these words I just can’t take back: “Despite my best efforts I’ll forswear my faith in you.” And please don’t let your heart design me any detriment or hope to bring your darkest fears to light. And how weak is my influence? Hold on to these words I just can’t take back: “I’ll languor in hallways and wait for you longingly in dreams.”
10.
She makes them all die laughing. Her hair is up again I love it down. She hates it down. She says that she is sorry and I dont care at all. This city is sleeping outside in respite from the sun. The asphalt sighing softly, cooling in the night. Streetlights flicker off and she is in my eyes She says, “Take my keys. Go and warm my bed.” How sweet to be so suddenly astray inside my head. We are racing to an end. We are crashing into bed. We are racing to an end. We are crashing into bed. Drowning sweetly into sleep, sinking safely in her sheets. She lies awake, I’m breathing. She’d die to leave this room. We are starting over in hopes of seeing through. Looking to horizons out past the broken sea. Supported by her doubts and her fears in me. Drown me in the ocean of her bed. Cling so long, My Love. Mountains tower over these placid, stormless, tranquil seas. and your voice crashes over me like tender waves of indigo. one more hotel to suture these wounds.

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released May 19, 2020

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ithyle Los Angeles, California

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