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Curtains For Bethany

by ithyle

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1.
Dying By The Bay 02:14
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I'll leave you to create who you are. If you choose to be a horrible dream then sleep my dear. As the days go by I know a little less about you than I did before. Without you. I still write about it. Here I go again. I've been too busy to call... I've been too busy dying. And my voice is breaking like my strings and aching like my heart. Desperate to go somewhere, anywhere but this place. So I can long to be back home, to be here by the Bay. To find the thing to save me.
2.
Near The End 04:14
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Late at night when I get home, I dial half the number several times before I go. That's when she calls me on the phone to tell me she can't be the things I want for her to be. I can make it. I couldn't ever let her understand the things I wanted her to be. I'd rather watch TV. On my bed. Near the end. Chewing pens and pushing paper on the floor. I can still taste her salty lips. I sink my nails into my palms and want her more. I want her more Man, those brown eyes turn my insides it's a really funny kind of feeling sick. I never thought I'd say it's hard to look at them. I never thought I'd fall. I can make it. I couldn't ever let her understand the things I wanted her to be. There's cartoons on TV. You know that last hug she gave left her scent on my shoulder and I just drank it in. When the grey finally came I was drunk on her and my clock was just screaming. Her faded picture stays. I can walk away. She could have laughed away the rain. She needed buckets for her tears. I think she kind of liked the pain when she hid behind her fears. You know where to find me. I'll be here.
3.
China Doll 03:42
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A pistol shot at five o'clock The bells of heaven ring Tell me what you done it for No I won't tell you a thing Yesterday I begged you Before I hit the ground All I leave behind me Is only what I found If you can abide it Let the hurdy gurdy play Stranger ones have come by here Before they flew away I will not condemn you Nor yet would I deny I would ask the same of you But failing, will not die Take up your china doll It's only fractured And a little nervous from the fall
4.
12-13 02:07
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you never saw the salmon swim until you fell for me. the songs you sang reminded me of something that i thought was so wrong, yet it was so obvious. who are we? so many people inside us both. sinners and slackers and addicts and whores. role models and saints for rich or for poor. so many faces beneath. so many faces beneath. i can remember the rage i felt when you didn't see yourself the same way i did. i could do nothing but shut down. i remember me trying to let you go and you trying to walk out. time felt like cement surrounding us. i couldn't do a thing. something kept you there. i don't know if it was you or me. just like the first time we kissed. it was us both. what would have happened if either of us had any self restraint? Would we still be where we are today. i remember the feeling of my house when we brought the futon down to watch that marylin monroe movie. our world was a heaven.
5.
Her Bottom Lip 02:36
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sifting through a drawer, letting go of more. you're on your way home. what a lonely rain. my socks are soaked again while i'm waiting. would you please just lie to me? don't tell me that i'm everything you've hated. bite your bottom lip and look up and to the right. that always makes me weak. saw you leaving me someday. i heard you're leaving him. betrayed once again. i'll be waiting. i've never poured so many words on someone who has never even heard them. bite your bottom lip and look up and to the right. that always hurt me sweet. should i write? have you felt what i feel when i fight?
6.
My Very Own Sky 03:15
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There are some nights when I still long for something to close these swollen eyes. Bloodshot and tearing up. These sheets are cold and stinking. And here I am, forehead in hands, staring through my fingers. I can smell you on my palms. My skeletons will not fucking let go of me. I wish I was numb. You are the stars in my constellation, in my own sky.
7.
Turnpike Gates 02:12
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We would drag ourselves to bed. And sleep took everything I had. I kept it up till he would call. You made me feel like a criminal. And then there's you, you kept a smile though I would always walk the wire. You gave it all. I gave you reason to have doubt. I had to get out of there. I took the stairs. I don't wanna fight with you if I can't be the one to have you. You sat that chair like a queen in the kitchen. I memorized the lines your eyes made at every squint you shot my way. We would drag ourselves to bed. And sleep took everything I had. I kept it up till he would call. You made me feel like a criminal. And then there's you, you kept a smile though I would always walk the wire. But you're miserable and I'm useless, always making up excuses. I made you cry too many times. So I'm hanging up that line. I'm throwing rocks at your floor. I'm knocking down your front door. I'm desperate tonight and I just wanna fight. It's my confusion that lets me act so cold. So now I'll go, go, go. And you wanna be just left alone. Put down that phone, cause if you want me just call out "hey boy".
8.
Try 03:48
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I don’t know why I try. But I do. ‘cause I long for you. I live for you. as the days go by through the summertime I pray that I’m not alone, sitting home without you. No I don’t know why I try. But I do. ‘cause I feel for you. I’d die for you. Oh the nights are long when you are gone but I go on all alone, sitting home without you. Well I don’t know why I try. But I do. ‘cause I need for you. I try for you and i try for me. It ain’t my cup of tea. I don’t want to be all alone, sitting home without you. I want to tell you you are moving me. Maybe someday you’ll see I’ve found a place to be and I want to tell you how much you are moving me. I try to say the things you’d want to hear if you hadn’t heard them all before from someone you used to see and you are moving me.
9.
White Tile Monologue 03:37
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Waking up gets harder every day. The rain won't stop and my windows shake. Close the blinds to cover up the grey. My stomach hurts and my fingers shake. And it feels like I can't catch a break. Let alone a reason to be anything to anyone at all. I've wasted all. Burned a bridge or two with borrowed lighters, waving from the other side. Picking up the wreckage off my floor, shards cut deep, I grit my teeth. Bleeding in the mirror, I'm a whore. I guess I'll go where I deserve. And it feels like I can't catch a break. Let alone a reason to be anything to anyone at all. I've wasted all. Burned a bridge or two with borrowed lighters, waving from the other side. The rest of me won't ever be quite like I want me to be. Would you ever bind my wounds and waste your words on me? I've got lots more blood for you to see. It's dripping from my bitten lip in puddles on the bathroom floor and i've been moved to write your name in it.
10.
Bonus Track - Vocal Mess 01:30
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released October 27, 2015

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ithyle Los Angeles, California

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